Live for today!

I have not had the motivation to write lately, not because I don't have anything to say, maybe because I have too much to say. So here is a little update and I will try to write more later.

I have never been more happy than I am now in my life. It took me so long to realize that only today counts and tomorrow may not come so stop stressing about tomorrow. I LOVE my kids, being single, having the most amazing friends, for once my life feels complete!

Songs Again

Sometimes I can only post songs

Juggling is hard

The other day I broke up with I guy I was dating. I put it off because I hate to hurt people, but he was a bit crazy to say the least. I felt so much better after I broke it off. Now I am down to 2 guys I am dating right now. It is hard! I don't have too much free time so juggling in the dating world is hard. They are very different and I like them for obviously 2 different reasons. One loves to travel, he is very simple, very honest and up front with me. We are planning on going to Seattle together on a road trip. We talk for hrs about what we like and dislike, we seem to be on the same page. He feels like I am his sole mate and wished he would have met me 10 yrs ago. I told him 10 yrs ago I was not what he wanted, he wanted all that freedom, he had it and now has regrets. But I am not as physically attracted to him as I want to be or maybe it's that I don't feel that crazy passion for him. The other guy is very good looking, easy to talk to but I'm scared to really get to know him for some reason. There is a lot of sexual attraction, maybe that is why I don't want to see him that often. I don't want to have sex with anyone til I have more of a commitment, that's just how I am. Now there are 2 of my guy friends that want more from me. They both are trying to convince me that they would be the right guy for me. I think the problem is I have become too picky. I know what I want, so now am I going to search for that person I will never find? I want to find someone but I don't want to date, does that even make sense???

Awesome Date!

So, I had an amazing date tonight. We started off at a little pub that I recommended, great conversation, great body language and lots of laughs. We then proceeded to walk over to the movie theater close by. Looking at the times and choices he asked if we should see a movie I have been wanting to see "Letters to Juliette". Seemed perfect, right? But..I could not help but finding myself getting lost in a memory, in someone else, someone in the past. Why cant I escape this ghost? A man that I cant get out of my head, someone that was never mine. Is it the person or the essence of the man I want?

I love 80's love songs!!!

Here are a few that I find myself listening to late at night.

True Colors

Each day I learn something new, if I don't, than what was the day for? Sometimes the things I learn, I cant seem to apply right away but none the less I learn. I love the fact that all my friends are so different and come from all walks of the world. It is so much easier to give advice, tell some one how they are perceived, or what they need to do vs. tell yourself and apply that same theory to your own life. Each day we work on ourselves, to make us better people, where we can help our our next friend through their trials. I am working on knowing that I am amazing, beautiful and I have so much to offer this world. I know this is true but sometimes find my self doubting my qualities or worth. In the past I've taken what I can get instead of demanding what I deserve, not anymore. This fault is a big one and I know I will work on it until it is conquered. I am worth it and I need to be an example to my kids to show them what true confidence looks like.

This song reminds me how important friends are and we're beautiful!

DONE!

After my last post I stated reflecting on my life and previous posts. I came to realise I am a great person and an awesome catch! So, why am I wasting my time and mental energy on men that I KNOW will never feel the way I felt about them, wasitng time on men who are never going to want what I want. It was time to REALLY let go. DONE! Done being old reliable, done being here when "that" doesn't work out, done feelng like I was not good enough for you, DONE!!!

Say everything! Dont have regrets...EVER!

Maybe one day you will want to fall in love?

Things I should have said or wish you would have said

I think as humans we are too scared to say what we should. We hold back so we don't look too attached or maybe we are just scared of what they might think. I try so hard to say exactly what I feel, when I feel it. This has hurt me so much more than if I just kept it to myself but I continue to be honest and true to myself no matter the consequences.

There are things I want to tell someone but I know its not the right time, its best if I wait, I don't want to scare him off.

I think of you everyday. I miss you so much more than I thought I would, I cant go one day without crying because I miss you so much. When I told you to move downstairs...I wanted you to say no, that you did not know where we were going but you enjoyed staying with me. I wanted to tell you NOT to go but I knew it was best for you to move and do what you needed to do in order to get yourself where you want to be. I fell so hard for you even thou I tried so hard not too. I wanted you to tell me that you felt somewhat the same. I know you didn't want forever or even a relationship but I thought maybe you enjoyed me enough to take a little bit of a leap. I want you to ask me to come see you, I would be there in a heartbeat. The house is not the same without you, we all miss you!

I wish I could tell you all of this!

Keep Breathing

Dreams

Dreams are the most amazing superpower we have as humans. The ability for our sub concise minds to let go of all of our boundaries, limits and rules that our concise mind restricts. If we all could embrace these powers, we could learn and grown beyond our imagination. Keep dreaming, embrace everyone you have and learn/grow from it!

Great song!

How do we let go?

For some reason I can't let go. I don't want to give up on something that all signs point to "he will never be mine" Why is this a hard concept to grasp? There are people I have dated that I don't care if they are with me or not. So in almost all my relationships I am the Strong independent person that I have worked so hard to become. But...There have been 2 men that I have completely fallen for and for some reason I am so scared they are going to leave. I transform to the girl that will do anything for them, the girl that gets walked over. I need to find a way to stay the independent woman that i am not matter how much I fall for a man.

Quote

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along

Missing you

I miss you so much! There are many things I wish I would have said. Would it have made a difference? I don't know. I hate having regrets but mostly I hate feeling like I was not good enough for you. I thought everything we had was what I wanted. What more could I have done to have you love me the way I fell for you? Were you just scared? Really it seemed like the right fit in so many ways. I would rather loose you down the road then feel the way I do now.

Do we wait? or let go?

So, right now there is someone. He had to leave to find out what he wanted (not me, at least not now ) Should we wait for someone we want? or do we let go and maybe have regrets? This is a hard decision.

This video is how I feel at this moment.

Commitment Phobia

I decided to start blogging about my trials and errors in dating. To start, I looked back at my past relationships and found that everyone I dated had a commitment phobia. Here is some research I found interesting.

Commitment Phobia is one of the most common phobias that affect people in their lives. Commitment Phobia can affect almost any part of the person's life, but especially affects how a person feels about becoming involved, or staying involved, in a long term relationship.
Commitment Phobia can also impact on someones career, and they may find it hard to progress in their chosen career, because they find it difficult to offer their employer the kind of long term commitment that the employer probably wants from them.

When someone with Commitment Phobia is asked what it feels like, they will often report that it is like a fear of being stuck, or trapped in a situation, or that they fear feeling 'out of control' in their career or relationship.

The Symptoms of Commitment Phobia
The symptoms of Commitment Phobia, which can be seen here, can often go hand in hand with some of the symptoms of Social Anxiety. Many people with Commitment Phobia will relate in some way, to some of the symptoms of Social Anxiety.

Some of the most common symptoms of Commitment Phobia, include...
Criticism of a Partner
Hurting Their Partner
Scared of Getting Noticed
Unrealistic Ideals
The Unavailable Partner – The Affair
The Unavailable Partner – The Long Distance Relationship
The Commitment Phobic Partner
Commitment Phobia and the Long Term Relationship
The ‘Yo-Yo-ing’ effect in commitment phobia
The Serial Commitment Phobic
The Fear of Commitment to Anything

What Causes Commitment Phobia
Commitment Phobia, in common with many other phobias, is a mechanism put in place by the brain to protect us from something that (for some reason), it has mis-judged the threat of.
In the example of Commitment Phobia, the person may have had an experience in their past where they felt out-of-control, or trapped, and their mind is over-protecting them from similar situations, in case something similar ever happens again.

Treating a phobia can by surprisingly simple, because all that really needs to happen, is for that 'unresolved emotion', or 'conflict', to be resolved. Once the 'unresolved emotion' is resolved, there's no longer a need for the mind to protect us (or over-protect us) from it, and the phobia can disappear.